House-isms from Season 6
614: 5 to 9
Cuddy: "What'll you do next time one of your patients needs a liver transplant?"
House: "Go talk to Wilson about something completely unrelated and see what happens."
"If you really wanted to make a deal you should have ditched the push-up and gone with the demi. Nothing makes a guy want to close like highbeams."
"You ever noticed how many porn sites have ‘mom' in the domain name?"
Cuddy: "She's not massaging your leg."
House: "She will... eventually."
"Despite what you may've learned in Hebrew school or from Jimmy Cliff, sometimes the bigger they are... the harder they kick your ass."
Cuddy: "You knew she was stealing meds?"
House: "No, but have you seen the way she opens the mail?"
613: Moving The Chains
"You don't think they grow ‘em that big naturally?"
"So our homeland should be unsafe because your private was unsafe?"
"Back in my day, the real dodgers had the stones to run off to Canada or shoot themselves in the foot."
"I can tell by your little puppy dog face that his pituitary's fine."
"Hey, I don't care where an idea comes from. As long as it's one that makes sense and embarrasses someone."
"As a former psychiatric patient, I take offense at that terminology."
"Uncle Flo visiting?"
"Stopping his heart speaks louder than words."
"The neighborhood opossums don't need motive, only opportunity."
"I want to learn more about one of my employees so I can manipulate him and destroy him if and when I choose. Information is power."
"You want to tell me my real evil plan?"
"You can't accuse me of the opossum attack and underhanded kindness in the same visit."
"And you obviously have a theory why demeaning isn't demeaning."
"You got a girl pregnant. You're still just a guy."
"That opossum was meant for me."
"I gave you empirical proof I didn't prank you."
"I don't master prank."
"If we sleep, we're going to wake up next to severed horse heads. Or worse, the rest of it."
"Maybe I should put this into an acronym you'll understand. This is FUBAR."
"If only you could combine that medical chicanery with your brother's ability to fetch me mochas, you'd be the perfect Foreman."
"Then the same crappy life the rest of the guys you're graduating with are going to lead, minus the student loans."
612: Remorse
"Tell him to masturbate no more than three times daily. With meals."
"It's because she's hot and her husband's ugly. That's a fascinating window into the mysteries of human psychology."
"In the great game of chess that is our relationship, Wilson sees only one move ahead. I see dozens."
"If you're sharing an amazed look, please do it louder."
"So...how long you been a psychopath?"
"Psychopathy can get a bad wrap."
"You're her boss. In some vague, never to be usefully defined way."
"The fact that you also fired her takes it from a little complicated to a little moronic."
"I'm not saying it's logical, I'm just saying it's human."
"Man, one false accusation from a psychopath and you turn out to be a real bummer."
"I'm gonna go see if Wilson has any liver left."
"No, it's a giant novelty item for winning the lottery. You're just standing really far away."
"You had me at ‘easier.'"
"Which means you have years of manipulation and lying to look forward to."
611: The Down Low
"Assuming you did this shaving your forehead."
"Cameron get your hair in the divorce?"
"We're two tigers away from an act in Vegas."
"We're doctors all the time. It's so boring."
"I hear you thought Wilson and I liked to polish each other's swords."
"Seriously, you're invoking the Guy Code?"
"In the land of No Fun, you own a very sensible piece of property."
"Looks like somebody missed something. Which is embarrassing for somebody."
"And I hate Evita. That's how much I like your boobs."
"Mendacious dirt bag comes much more naturally to me."
610: Wilson
"Why rule out the hand of God so fast?"
"I look for zebras because other doctors have ruled out all the horses. You are those other doctors. You haven't earned a zebra."
"Friends don't diagnose friends with cancer."
"Your caring clouds your diagnosis. Just cut that out and you could be a decent doctor."
"The fact that you can't speak English is not an excuse for you not being humiliated by what I'm about to say."
"Obviously, you question one of those assumptions or you've got an issue with logic."
"And two bedrooms. Just reeks of commitment issues."
"It means I'm ignoring you to make a point. There is a difference."
"Well played. Religion just killed another person."
"Your mouth says no but your pathetic attempt at deflection has guilt written all over it."
"Bad things happen to people who are sick."
"All the pain pills I've taken? What if I need your liver later?"
"Disappointment is anger for wimps."
"You got mad. I'm proud of you."
609: Ignorance Is Bliss
"Although I should be clear, for two bucks all you get is top half, over the clothes."
"New me is static guarded and friction free."
"Guy's a braniac and his secret drug of choice is booze? Kinda pedestrian, don't you think?"
"Can't believe Lucas fell for my ‘I'd never say this because it's so deeply personal except I'm drunk' profession of love. Second oldest trick in the book."
"Sorry to inconvenience you. Dying patients can be so thoughtless."
"Nice comeback. Very Oscar Wilde."
"Internet special. Seventy bucks for all the nose job you want."
"What's a conscience?"
"All organs do look pretty much the same. Red and squishy."
"Sixteen splenectomies. Pretty sure he gets a set of steak knives with that."
608: Teamwork
"Oh good, you paged the limpness specialist."
"Pretty sure they don't make Hallmark cards for self-serving power grabs."
"Your only obstacle to coming back is your wife. Which has never been much of an obstacle."
"Don't take their word for it, job applicants lie as much as patients."
"They don't because their lives are irrelevantly and annoyingly complicated."
"Guess he finally told you he iced Idi Amin Jr."
"Metaphorically speaking, you're a Heimlich addict."
"So what did she say about why she's finishing your sentences instead of finishing her marriage?"
"All four of them want to work for me. But all four have reasons why they don't want to work for me."
"So his life of filth wasn't the problem. The clean living was."
"Better to cheat with a beaker and an MRI than one of your platinum blonde plastic surgery patients."
"You can celebrate their humanity. I'd rather solve those little puzzles and save their lives."
"Your husband killed a patient. Now you're breaking up with me?"
"Any idea where I can find a great big ‘Mission Accomplished' banner?"
"Got my sanity back, my license back and now..."
607: Known Unknowns
"Foreman expects me to read an x-ray on this itty bitty screen. He should have emailed me a larger phone."
"Who wants to go to the Pillow Fighting Championships? Rutgers has a great team this year. So glad their anchor didn't go pro."
"Isn't it annoying when everybody in the room knows something you don't?"
"Word on the street is you set a new personal best for low cut."
"Your outbox is three times normal size. That wasn't a metaphor."
"So now you either have to come up with a convincing lie or tell her the truth. Your choice."
"I like to know how much boredom I'm missing."
"Just when you think you've left Flock of Seagulls in the rearview mirror, suddenly it's up ahead like an undead hitchhiker."
"She's not some floozy in a bar, she's the floozy I work for."
"It's seven in the morning. Somebody better be dead."
"We've moved on to a new phase. I tell Cuddy I've always been interested in her, she leaves the room."
"The oncology department is subsidized by drug companies. They don't want it run by a murderer."
"Studies show that ten dollar wine tastes better when you're told it cost ninety dollars. I'm sure the same is true of grape soda."
"I can't convince her my entire personality's changed in a weekend. It would be like expecting you to not sacrifice yourself in a stupid and self-destructive way."
"Words can hurt, you know."
"That awkwardness would probably go away if I left."
"Yeah, you should let her know I drugged you so you wouldn't confess to murder."
606: Brave Heart
"The dice have no memory."
"You want to take this case because he's yet another lonely, sad puppy? You should have been a vet."
"He's only agreeing with you because he wants to have sex with you. And by the way, I also agree with you."
"Did she tell you how to stop me?"
"Now I've done it. There's urine everywhere."
"Gosh, the great thing about the teacher student relationship is that the teacher can often learn more from the student. Have you learned anything yet?"
"I did notice someone's daddy chromosome has been severely damaged by someone else's bleeding heart chromosome."
"I'm sure there were plenty of lies that would have worked just as well. Except without the years of therapy."
"I don't think there's anything I can screw up that we haven't already screwed up."
"I guess the autopsy will have to wait a little bit."
"Was the hospital serving puffer fish last night?"
"Let's work from the tenuous assumption that we're not idiots."
"What's really scary is I'm hearing whispering while not on Vicodin."
"You are a woman, you can do anything."
"You sure you're only one woman?"
"When I come back I want three new ideas. One of them has to not be stupid."
605: Instant Karma
"Right now I'm Kobe, playing the game I love, however the hell I want and Phil Jackson has to listen to everyone else bitch about it."
"Don't usually see brain damage after a rectal biopsy."
"I assumed you were lying because it would be idiotic to tell me the truth."
"Since when has cancer been considered nothing?"
"Continue to say nothing if you agree."
"And if you're telling the truth, you're even more rational than, well, maybe not more, but then again, more sane. You're gonna be a good boss, Boss."
"I'd be a lot more certain if it was my idea, but it's as good as we've got."
"Just waiting for whatever is about to go wrong."
"He loves power, I love puzzles."
"I believe he believes him."
"The billionaire thinks the gods will treat him better if he's broke."
"Who said the world was supposed to work?"
"He's irrational. So are most people. Unfortunately, doesn't make them sane."
"People don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get, and there's nothing any of us can do about it."
"She's a smoking hot, newly single bisexual."
"Cause I was born with a heart three sizes too small."
"He still alive?"
"I doubt we'll ever be treating any genocidal dictators again."
"Better a murder than a misdiagnosis."
604: The Tyrant
"Then it's perfectly justified to gaslight your friend who just graduated from crazy school."
"Coping skill number one - total avoidance."
"Booty call? Give me twenty minutes not to shower."
"You're not actually saying I have too loud a cane?"
"Only in the sense it has a rubber tip on the end, not a tap shoe."
"You'll be able to sip Courvoisier next to a replica of the Playboy grotto once you tell him what you've got on him."
"Patient's dying, I'm done with clever."
"If you believe in God, pray that this works. Also you might want to ask him why he blew off your arm."
"There is a reason I hired you. You used to know what to do with a locked door."
603: Epic Fail
"Like breaking up with a clingy girlfriend. Sure I'll miss the sex, but now I get to drink milk right out of the carton."
"Right, doctors world over treat chronic pain with collections of Hummel figures."
"Difference is, Beethoven's Fifth isn't going to be poop tomorrow."
"Try not to be a jerk. I'm trying. I'm just failing."
"Bed is for sissies. Unless you're having sex, in which case...no it's still for sissies."
"I'm an addict. I turn everything up to an eleven."
"I went crazy, not stupid."
"Daddy's little co-dependent is all grown up."
"Started thinking about what you said about me obsessing. Started obsessing about obsessing."
"How like a man to think I enjoy slaving over a hot stove all day while you're off banging secretaries."
"That's like adopting a puppy. Suddenly someone's whining, following me everywhere, chewing up my LPs..."
"If you wanted a quickie, you should have called ahead. I'm a mess."
"The only thing you know is that I'm a genius who got a dog to pee in your toilet. You don't know how I did it or, more interestingly, where I peed."
"If the lab says this is Labrador too, please let me know right away. It'd explain my overwhelming desire to wipe my butt on your carpet."
601: Broken
"Dry heaves are gone and so am I."
"And he's black. You'd think you'd be a little more sensitive on the slavery issue."
"I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy."
"This is a popular new treatment? Blackmail?"
"Is suicide taboo? Or is it just irrelevant?"
"I want to deal with my problems some place where I can get a decent cappuccino."
"Seriously, anorexia? Were you supposed to be a girl? And, in answer to your implicit question, yes those pants make you look fat."
"So how upset were you when you woke up in the ER and you were still alive? And a failure?"
"It's table tennis, not table volleyball. And with no net, it's table nothing."
"Then we can assume the girl he's with is named Nooner."
"You're my only friend. And I hate you."
"How come every time you compliment me it sounds like an accusation?"
"What exactly is the difference between pretending to cooperate and actually cooperating?"
"Hi. It's like hello, only shorter."
"I started to connect with one guy but then my propensity for screwing things up overtook me. And then my desire to have fun overcame my propensity."
"Successes only last until someone screws them up. Failures are forever."
"We're all pathetic. It's what makes everything interesting."
